Releasing some old habits this autumn, just in time for the new moon..
Because it’s been a funny year 2021 with our house move and renovation, I’ve had a lot of thinking time to myself where I’d normally have my hands full of clay. I feel like I’ve paid more attention to the seasons, noticed them more. This autumn I’ve felt a strong sense of wanting to let go, ready for something new that’s just not quite ready yet. Through some experiences and reading materials that seem to have flung themselves upon me, one of those things is letting go of the people pleaser in me. I’ve come to realise that up until the past year I’ve always been labelled as the ‘nice’ one, and I’ve tried desperately to maintain that impression and whenever I’ve failed at coming across as ‘nice’ I’ve felt hugely guilty.
Until recently I’ve just thought I was adaptable, easy going (ish), a mind reader and eager to make other people feel better. Admirable traits surely. But in fact people pleasing has a dark side, you try so hard to make others have a high opinion of you that you no longer know what your own values and opinions are. You loose your ‘self’.
Choosing veganism as a people pleaser..
So you can imagine that when you do come across something that you do feel strongly about that most others don’t – wow, you are going to struggle with that one. When I first became vegan I was very relaxed not offering my opinions even when asked. But as I learned more and more about animal exploitation and also about those most affected by climate change it was like a ball of fire in my throat. Weirdly I even got 2 bouts of tonsillitis while all this was churning around in my head. Instead of considered and thoughtful discussions with others that ball of fire would just harpoon out of me, to others or frantic typing/sharing on social media. Yikes.
How I am slowly curing my people pleasing..
What has ultimately helped is coming to terms with the fact that I am in fact not ‘nice’, because ‘nice’ is merely a weird construct designed to shut us up. No one likes an angry, opinionated woman. I am in fact, at times, quite the bitch. Ahhhhh. That feels better. I can have beautiful thoughts, loving thoughts. And I can get extremely frustrated, angry and blameful. If you know me very very well, you know that side of me too (sorry Paul). It’s that thing again about the multiple truths existing all at once. You are not one thing, you are all of them at different times of the day/month/year.
So please no longer ever describe me as nice, because I’m definitely not. And I promise to give you the non watered down version of myself. And you can choose to stay or go. I have a lot to say, and I will say it. You have a lot to say, please say it. Think about what you want, notice when your words aren’t in alignment with how you feel in your gut/chest/throat. If you don’t have someone to talk it through with, say it out loud to an empty room, let it escape you.
Now, while I’m on a rant..
It’s bonfire night here tomorrow in the UK, please don’t use fireworks, have yourself a fire and some vegan parkin and call it a night. You might enjoy the bangs but our wildlife and animal companions definitely don’t and if anyone needs our help right now, it’s our wildlife.
And if anyone knows of any moon cycle books/articles to explain this ranting explosive energy I’m enjoying today please do share with me!
Thanks for reading,